CAST: Malcolm McDowell (Dr. Samuel Loomis), Brad Dourif (Sheriff Lee Brackett), Tyler Mane (Michael Myers), Daeg Faerch (Michael Myers, age 10), Sheri Moon Zombie (Deborah Myers), William Forsythe (Ronnie White), Richard Lynch (Principal Chambers), Udo Kier (Morgan Walker), Clint Howard (Doctor Koplenson), Danny Trejo (Ismael Cruz) SCR: Rob Zombie DIR: Rob Zombie STUDIO: The Weinstein Company MPAA: R for drug use, pervasive language and some sexuality. RUNNING TIME: 98 min. OFFICIAL SITE: www.halloween-themovie.com/ Maybe Rob Zombie can't help himself. I'd like to think the hillbilly aesthetic that permeates his work is a deliberate thing - a style befitting of saying something about the simplicity of the human condition and our inability to allow ourselves to progress beyond - wait, what the hell am I talking about? This is Rob Zombie we're talking about. His last name is Zombie. And what did we really expect from his much-anticipated version of John Carpenter's classic Halloween? I don't know, maybe a few people that weren't part of the sorry degenerates that pass for characters in his films. Sure, Zombie got the violence right - and the nudity - and the sense of dread - and yeah, the mask and music are recognizable as classic elements from the legendary series. But it's hard to relate when everybody is either so tasteless or stupid that you don't yearn for their gory demise. In the half-hour (!) prologue that explains how Michael Myers became the boogeyman, his mom is a young stripper (played by Zombie's wife, Sheri Moon Zombie) with a sexed-up teenage daughter who looks about six years younger than her. William Forsythe is Ronnie, her “significant other,” who is possibly the most reprehensible character ever portrayed on the big screen. With a family filled with so much violent, apathetic white trash, it's not horrifying in the slightest when 10-year old Michael begins carving them up. We only wonder why it took twenty minutes of screen time when we got the point after five. And honestly, if little Michael, with his “eyes of a psychopath” is such a horrifying creature, then why didn't Zombie make the Myers family, um, normal? Wouldn't that have been more unsettling? But I digress. Malcolm McDowell inhabits the iconic role of Dr. Loomis and his take in an interesting one. He's an old hippy shrink when he starts treating 10-year old Michael and a spiky-haired curmudgeon 15-years later. Can you blame the guy? If I had to talk to a creepy ass kid with a mask fetish for years, I'd be in a bad mood too. As an aside, Daeg Faerch, who plays young, nappy-headed incarcerated Michael drops the F-bomb so many times, I doubt the Disney Channel will be calling any time soon. As an actor, he also gets to pretend to kill, stab and carve up animals. I wonder if therapy is a line item in the budget? Sure enough, Michael (Taylor Mane) gets out of the hospital but by the time that happens, he has become a shaggy-haired mute the size of a door. He doesn't even make a sound when he's shot or stabbed, which make me recall Mongo from Blazing Saddles (“Whatever you do, don't shoot him. You'll only piss him off.”) Zombie does conjure up some unsettling moments that would do Mr. Carpenter proud. But most other shock moments are delivered with generous helpings of stupidity. Young Michael duct tapes his stepfather to a chair in his sleep. Duct tape makes a lot of noise, but the old man doesn't wake up until he gets his throat slashed. And when all hope appears lost trying to reach the feral boy (now wearing creepy masks on a regular basis), what does the hospital do? They send in a nurse who brings a newspaper and completely ignores the fork on the table. Yeah, bad move. I'm not offended by much, but abject stupidity ranks pretty high. The 2007 edition of the venerable Halloween is a serviceable thriller for those in search of a body count, boobs and a modicum of style. And in those moments when it truly works, it's because the movie taps into all the iconic characters and locations that have lived in the pop culture for thirty years. This version is tailor made for today's dumbed-downed, desensitized audience. At least the original had the benefit of being...original. Ultimately, Zombie indeed proves himself a capable and solid director. But just as Michael Myers isn't going to teach classes on the social graces anytime soon, so too should Rob Zombie hire a screenwriter next time around - because the damage caused my Mr. Myers' long blade is nothing next to that of Mr. Zombie's word processor. --reviewed by DENNIS WILLIS